An illusion of control....
- Nicola Navon
- May 24, 2023
- 8 min read
My first ever post is on the topic of control. Why? Because control is a very important part of the human experience and is something I am very familiar with. Control has played a major role in my life to date, and in large part, driven by anxiety over future circumstances.
In this post I seek to identify how control has presented itself in my life in unhealthy ways, and how being conscious of it has allowed me to break down the why and how it manifests, in order to change these patterns to ultimately have a happier and more satisfying relationship with myself and the others around me.
According to the Oxford Dictionary, control is
“the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events.”
A major learning for me in my life was understanding that the only person I can truly control is me. This is still an everyday struggle to stay present and fluid and to take things day by day, but by slowly working on relieving myself of the pressure to control everything and everyone around me, I’ve been able to cultivate a greater sense of self-love and fulfillment. When it comes to others, I realize I can use my words to communicate my needs, but I have to constantly remind myself that they have free will and choice with how they want to receive me. Sure, I may impact their thoughts, behaviors, and actions, but at the end of the day, if someone doesn’t like me, hurts me, betrays me, or leaves me, most often the case than not, they have their own shit they’re bringing to the table— their own insecurities and desires that shape how they view and interact with the world, and that's not something I, nor anyone else, can influence.
Now I am not saying one shouldn’t take initiative to accomplish a goal, finish a project, pursue their passions and dreams... you name it. I am talking about relinquishing the kind of control that is anxiety-provoking and debilitating. The unhealthy kind, that ultimately stems from something deeper— fear of rejection, abandonment, or loss.
This type of control can play out in many ways from one’s image, romantic relationships, in the workplace, bedroom, and even control over our very own minds and thoughts.
For the sake of brevity, I plan to apply this to how it plays out in relationships, and hopefully, you’ll get the point. The issue with this mindset is that the people we love, will at some point, inevitably disappoint, betray, or hurt us in some way, and when we hold ourselves accountable for these unfortunate situations, it can be psychologically damaging and will most definitely negatively impact our self worth and esteem.
For most of my life, I felt a strong desire to control my romantic relationships, which to my demise, has led to a series of failed relationships, and an inability to be truly open, vulnerable, and connected to my partner. I clung so tightly to a lot of unhealthy relationships in my life, as I thought I had the power to “fix” and change people if I worked hard enough at it. Since I couldn’t technically control the other, I’d control myself by ignoring my own needs to express myself and verbalize any dissatisfaction I might be experiencing within the relationship. I vigilantly self-monitored as a means to maintain harmony and turned that angst into internal criticisms (you’re too sensitive, maybe it's you, you’re being ridiculous, why do you feel this way? what's wrong with you?).... all this insecurity swirling around in my brain consumed me. It's exhausting. For me, this behavior stemmed from an underlying fear of rejection and abandonment, and at the end of the day, I was miserable. Emotionally detached and eternally dissatisfied.
What I’ve learned from these relationships and by better understanding my subconscious thought and behavior patterns, was that if I actually did the opposite, and showed up more authentically, shared with my partner when I was not getting what I needed, didn't accept mediocrity, held people accountable for their word, and felt more comfortable expressing discomfort and frustration, I’d have much more secure and satisfying relationships.
As I mentioned above, in my opinion, a major force behind most people’s desire to control stems from an underlying fear of rejection, abandonment, or loss. Control can be exerted in a variety of ways, including financial, emotional, social, and sexual means. I plan to detail below how control can play out in these various ways within the romantic relationship dynamic, although this theme is definitely present in other areas of life.
Financial
I’ve often noticed in relational dynamics where there is significant financial inequality, that oftentimes, the person in the more financially adept “role”, tends to feel more secure in their “position” in the relationship. This can disproportionately impact their decision-making power and influence, on how and what to spend funds on in the relationship. Whether it’s where to go for dinner, vacation, and even with more complicated matters as it relates to co-parenting. It's often the case that the more financially dependent has less of a say on what to invest funds into, as it relates to childcare and any goods or services that will aid the parents in ways that will boost mutual satisfaction in the relationship (isn’t mutual satisfaction the goal here?!). For those that tend to take on the “provider” role in a romantic relationship, I’ve noticed their income can often serve as a psychological false sense of security and protection from the potential threat of abandonment, thus temporarily alleviating this fear.
In my case, being on the opposite end of that, I’ve experienced a sort of dependency on my partner, and it has caused me to feel less worthy, powerful, and influential than my breadwinner counterpart. The more I think, read, and observe healthy relationship dynamics, I understand that a good relationship is a partnership. It's not a competition. Making the same amount of money, having the same interests, being the same level of “smart” or "attractive" doesn’t matter….that attitude will only serve to unevenly distribute the social capital in the relationship and breed more insecurity and resentment.
In fact, it is the differences that make a relationship powerful. When you think about a battery, it has two ends; “a positive terminal (cathode) and a negative terminal (anode). If you connect the two terminals with wire, a circuit is formed. Electrons will flow through the wire and a current of electricity is produced. The chemical process doesn't start until the electrons flow from the negative to the positive terminals through a circuit.”1
So essentially, without the opposing forces (the positive and negative electrons), electricity wouldn’t take place. Thinking about this dichotomy was powerful for me. We all have a different set of skills and qualities we bring to the table, and our different views, priorities, strengths, and weaknesses, is what makes the partnership stronger. That is the key to growing together, and welcoming those differences is power.
Emotional
I’ve noticed patterns as I’ve become more intimate with my partner, that our lives would start to enmesh. I’d develop a strong desire to know every single detail about my partner's daily life, with a constant need for attention, validation (that I’m important, that I matter), and connection. Being involved in every aspect of each other's lives so much so that there is absolutely no emotional separation, can create a codependent relationship dynamic, and most definitely did for me. This was somewhat shamefully satisfying, because it allowed me to feel more ownership and control over my partner’s "otherness", thus alleviating my anxiety and abandonment fears.
I've essentially held my partner responsible for my own emotional well-being and in turn, took ownership of theirs. By not owning my own feelings and insecurities, I’ve put a lot of pressure on my partner to meet my needs and didn’t do much reflection to really hone in, address, and dissect, the negative thoughts or feelings I might have been experiencing at the time. So, at the end of the day, I was bound to be disappointed.
Learning to self-soothe was the first step to my path towards healing. Not to say being a supportive and empathetic partner isn’t valued, because that, along with honest and clear communication, is the essence of a good relationship in my opinion, but I am talking about the kind of codependency and control that is manipulative (whether consciously or unconsciously), and manifests from this fear of rejection, abandonment, or loss. Because without dependency, the other can much easier deem us unworthy and use their free will to walk away at any time. The beauty of maintaining a balance of being there as a positive supportive force for your partner, while also owning your own shit, and not trying to control their shit, is that when you release the control and allow the other to fully exercise their own agency to show up (or not show up) for you, when they do show up, it's beautiful…. and when they don’t, well then I guess you’ll know and can take it from there... ;)
As Esther Perel discusses in her work, the key to a healthy and sustainable relationship is being able to have your partner choose you every day, as opposed to needing you.
“To actually think that your partner doesn’t belong to you, and at best they are on loan with an option to renew,” Perel says.... “And if you can tolerate a little bit more of that, you will put in more effort.”
This puts the whole concept of control and dependency on its head because with choice comes freedom, otherness, and independence. This is something I strive to experience with my future partner and challenge my status quo.
Social
This can range from not being able to leave each other's side at a dinner party, to needing to be involved in the majority of their social activities and conversations. In my own life, I am definitely guilty of not spending enough time with my girlfriends, colleagues, and hobbies, for fear of losing closeness and connection to my partner. I sought to control the outcome of our relational dynamic with enmeshment. This coping strategy is largely influenced by my early attachment style, and how I learned that if I could "control" my environment, I could more easily get my connection needs met (this will be another post unto itself... I have lots on interesting insights this topic!). It's in fact quite healthy and rewarding to maintain a powerful network of connections outside of a romantic relationship and to get our emotional, social, and spiritual needs from a variety of people and places. We are actually our best most confident selves in a relationship, when we maintain deeper emotional relationships with others, so as to not dump all our emotional needs onto our partners. Reminding myself how important it is to take care of my own needs and relinquishing control over the outcome and others, has been really powerful in building my own strength, power, and independence.
Sexual
Our early experiences, learned behavior, and messages ingrained in us by our societal structures, impact our subconscious beliefs about what it means to be a woman or man. In my case, being a woman meant….sexuality, femininity, understanding, being a caretaker, a fixer, having a higher value outer beauty vs. inner beauty, and using sex appeal to my advantage. I thought that if I could live up to these standards, I would have more control in my relationship.
When communication is lacking, people can use sexuality as a means to maintain a connection or for damage control. Have you ever engaged despite not always being turned on at the moment, in the right headspace, or even as a means to make up after a lot of fighting? I know I have and in fact, it is very common.
Being conscious of this allows us to recognize when we are using our sexuality to maintain some sense of control, so we can shift into more healthy strategies like communication to get our needs met. This also makes space for more satisfying and invigorating sex, because it isn’t enmeshed with shame, weakness, or aggression, however, those emotions can consciously be channeled in healthy ways to drive sexual desire and excitement.
If there is one major takeaway from this post, it is that being consciously aware of how we all personally relate to control, will allow space for us to reshape unhealthy patterns of thought and behaviors. By consistently practicing being present and relinquishing that need to control the things we can't, we can live more freely, authentically, and whole-heartedly.
To my readers, I hope some of this has been relatable or that at the very least that it gets you thinking about your own patterns to encourage further self-development and growth. Always open to chat further :)
Thank you for reading.
References:
1. “How does a battery work?”, EDinformatics, 1999,
https://www.edinformatics.com/math_science/how-does-a-battery-work.html#:~:text=A%20battery%20has%20two%20ends,reaction%20between%20chemicals%20take%20place
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